I thought that since I was going to have this as a journal I needed to share my experience when we suffered a miscarriage. I also want to share it because it helps me to read others, so maybe it will help someone to read mine.
We found out that we were pregnant on Jason's birthday this last February. We were so surprised. From the minute we could start trying to get pregnant once I had Ryker we were trying. I always wanted a big family with my kids all close together. There were other plans in store for me. Once we had Lilly we figured our family was complete. I have never had a regular cycle so it wasn't weird for me to miss a month or two. I just started feeling different. It was Jason's birthday and I was going to get breakfast after I took Ryker to school. I happened to pass by the pregnancy test isle and figured that I already had stock in the company...what was one more. I got home stuck the test in my sleeve so I wouldn't be mocked on the way to the bathroom. I quietly shut the door and took the test. I don't know how many pregnancy tests I have taken...too many to count. I have always sat and watched until the lines appeared. This time I held it down and waited 30 seconds. I looked at it and couldn't believe what I saw!! I told Jason and we both just sat there like we didn't know what to do.
Jason quickly called everyone and I was doing the same. I called my sister who works for an OB and told her that I needed to get in right away. I got in within 2 hours for a scheduled ultra sound and blood work. The doctors were just as shocked as we were!!
Everything that you feel when you discover you are pregnant was flowing through my body. I think that the spirit that I felt from the time I saw the two lines was a feeling of comfort. I knew something was different. I could feel it in my heart.
The bleeding started shortly after that and I was put on bed rest. I was feeling so sick to my stomach. I couldn't really do anything even if I could have got out of bed. I went to I don't know how many more appointments and each time my blood work would come back fine.
In march things changed a little and so I was told to go to the doctor again. Jason had to work and so I told him that I would just go this time and let him know what happened. The doctor assured me that bleeding was perfectly normal. He listed some reasons why it happened. He wanted to do an ultra sound just in case. So he took me back in the room. The minute the picture was on the screen I knew. I couldn't see that little black hole that cushions your baby. I started to cry and started to question why this was even happening. How could this be me!! I was so deserving of this pregnancy. How was I going to walk out of this room with a waiting room full of pregnant women. I gathered every bit of strength that I had and opened the door. I don't remember much just seeing one girl with this look of sadness on her face. She was wearing a yellow shirt and she looked to be about 6 months pregnant. I walked over to my sister and told her the news. The rest of the day is kind of a blur. I got in the parking lot and called Jason. He left work and came straight home. I was scheduled later that day to have a d&c. Jason took phone call duty. Flower arrangements by the dozen were at my house. My body healed after some complications a couple weeks later. My heart is still healing. I still think about it every day. I think of the stage that I would be at. What maternity clothes I would have. I would have found out the sex by now. I was due on Halloween. I am sure that it will be hard until then. I still cry about it. I am not really sure the reason or the things that I was supposed to learn. That may come with time. I do know that it helps to talk about it. It helps to talk with others who have suffered a loss. It was a real loss for me. Not just tissue but it felt like I really lost a baby. One that I had started to love.
Just as a rainbow is one of Gods promises, we are also promised that we never have to bare our burdens alone. I know I have felt the healing comfort and His promise.
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4 comments:
Oh Cami...i'm so so sorry. We all have our trials that's for sure. I've never experienced a miscarriage before, so I don't know exactly how you're feeling, but I can only imagine how tuff it has been and still is. Death is a hard thing, and I've really struggled a lot with it since my Dad died. My comfort is that knowing that I will get to see him again, and you know what you will get to see this child that you lost. I just know you will! Your heart will heal with time, and yes it does help to talk about these kinds of heartaches. It always makes me feel better to release the emotions, and Man oh man can I release the emotions! Heavenly Father and Jesus will never leave your side, they love you and will comfort you! =) This experience will make you a stronger person, I can tell that it already has. =)
Cami, I can't wait to meet you. I love you so much! Thank you for sharing this with me, I am sure that many others will and have been touched. I lost my first baby, it is so hard. Even now when she would have been six years old it is still hard. I try super hard to cherish the sweet children that I have with me now and know that I will be with them all - always!
I am so sorry for the pain you must be going through. I am inspired by your strength and optimism.
Thanks for sharing Cami. It definitely helps to talk about it. I can empathize with you. My second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, and I was also at the doctor alone when I found out. I remember seeing our baby on ultrasound, and feeling a little nervous that there was no movement. I have a hard time getting pregnant too; I feel insanely blessed to have the 2 girls that we have.
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